smiling over my shoulder

i don't know what the etiquette is for stealing things straight off of your friend's website, so i will very politely just defer (mostly) to jason for this post (dated 11/22/04). please please please go look at the beautiful pictures he linked to. and look at the explanation. it is a WHOLE bookstore that has been placed in order by COLOR. i am so excited i can hardly type. ideas of all sorts are springing to mind.

(aside from the color theme, which is a serious fascination of mine, this brings to mind the scene in high fidelity when john cusack's character is re-ordering his vinyl autobiographically. i would be that guy whose eyes widened and who offered to help when he heard what john cuscak was doing. if someone offered to let me re-organize an entire bookstore by color i would probably have a fit of some sort and start babbling incoherently.)

i got 12 hours and 20 minutes of sleep last night. i think that is my personal best. still suffering for it, too. my brain is like a lump of cotton that was used to remove makeup, tossed onto the sink in a puddle of water, and then crushed by a hairdryer.

had to drive to work today (*%&! oakland parking nonsense), and was feeling rather unqualified to operate a vehicle, that's for sure. my thoughts were spastic and choppy and couldn't get to any point. i realized at one point that the length of each thought was pretty much in sync with the length of time between the bass beats coming out of my speakers and had a weird moment or two trying to get that to stop, but it wouldn't. got to work to find out my monitor had died unexplainedly. finally got my computer on and found a very unusual email-- but i don't want to tell that story, actually.

so why did i feel this was worth a post?! because i absolutely *must* remember how mind-twisted, inside-outside-over-there, dazed i was.

i had a weekend that redeemed all my last weekend's anxiety and uncertainty.

...wonderful girls' night for part 1 of friday night, decently fun time at anon salon for part 2 of friday night, lovely adventure with a new friend for part 3 of friday night. purrrrrr.

the sol system party on saturday was fun and friend-filled. a bit overwhelming for the first few hours what with all the people and the scene-i-ness, but i found a niche that made me feel cozy, platform-dancing with a woman who i've been wanting to get to know better. i spent a lot of time during the night talking to friends, establishing and re-establishing.

highlight of evening: sitting on the floor listening to kelly and mel talk about their impending move to the bay (!!!) when a track came on and all three of us immediately jumped up and moved over to the floor and after a confused moment or two managed to verify that YES that was lorin spinning and we weren't just imagining things, and since it was late the floor had lots of space and the people were all good lovelies and i danced to one of his best tracks with a dozen or so people i've found or kept over the last five months all weaving around each other with shining faces excited to be dancing to a surprise set at 4 in the morning with good people and good moods.

my mind is putting very specific colors on the different parts of the weekend.

friday part 1: cozy lamplit brown-ish yellow

friday part 2: shimmery sherbert orange, very smooth

friday part 3: deep blood red with hints of black tiger stripes

saturday: muted silver, very very warm (with sparklies scattered over the top like sprinkles)

i think this is the first weekend during which i felt like i might really part of a circle of something-or-other--a weekend of me introducing people to each other, rather than me being introduced.

becky left a message yesterday at 2pm to tell me she had just woken up and that she wanted to let me know that after her first weekend in this lifestyle she thought she knew now what my life was like and why i am so excited all the time. i believe she has been officially converted.

yummmmmmmmmmmm
back in my comfort zone, and thank god.

i just ran across one of my most favorite-est emails of all time, from my *absolutely* most favorite-est email correspondent of all time, em pm:

'boys like that are tricky like wet fish and they are so pretty and shiny and fun to have but they keep wriggling away but then they swim around your feet and startle you and make you fall over on your bum.'

em pm's truth is constant and ever-applicable.

em pm is a veritable fountain of wisdom. she likes to identify herself with the capybara. i wouldn't even know what a capybara *is* if it wasn't for em pm. she lives far away now. she's one of the most fun people i have ever encountered. you would like her.

when you emailed that cute boy and you haven't heard back from him and it's been AGES and you're online and you see that *he's* online and you can no longer pretend that maybe he just hasn't been near a computer much lately and you desperately want to email him *again* right now and say 'i SEE YOU. you're RIGHT THERE. WHYYYY aren't you talking to meeeeeeeee???' but you can't because you're supposed to be a model of poise and self-confidence and such?

you know that one? yeah?

i HATE that feeling.

righty-o. there. i was positive. now i can return to my regularly scheduled moping.

last night i went to a meeting of a women's group that vera recently invited me to check out. i left feeling stronger and more supported, even though i don't know the women very well and am not sure how often i'll see them in the future. also, the evening involved hot tubbing, which is an activity that i have come to greatly appreciate for all sorts of lofty philosophical reasons. i've missed it--hot tubbing is a good strong pillar of davis community life--and it was wonderful to share that space with new people in a new version of my life.
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on saturday i was wheedled into driving over the bridge to spend the day with a friend who was in town. i'm really glad i went. she and i are still recovering from a long period of tension that ended at burning man this year, and i feel like we're trying to properly reconstruct a friendship that wasn't ever built on anything particularly sturdy. it can be a little awkward sometimes--we've known each other for a while now and have been through a lot of experiences together, but without ever communicating very much--so we're now learning how to share the experiences and appreciate them together rather than individually. it feels really good to put energy into the relationship and know that we're both working on it and that it's likely to improve both of our lives.
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i talked to my cousin this weekend for a long time. i would really like to go visit her and get to know her better now that i'm old enough for her to treat me like an equal. i've always had strong ties to my extended family, but as i've gotten older it's been interesting and fulfilling to explore the potential for friendships with my cousins, aunts, and uncles. i'm allowed to get to know them now, which can be scary since it involves going beyond simple relationships of love and respect and can sometimes call those initial assumptions into question, but which can also open the relationships up to be way more important and supportive, since they're now based on real understanding and appreciation of personality.
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this happened a couple weeks ago and i keep wanting to talk about it: i got a phone call from a number and area code that i didn't recognize. it was a guy i'd never met, a friend of a friend who lives across the country. so this person was in town and looking for places to play. i asked him if he wanted to go with me to see my friend go-go dance at mighty, and we ended up hanging out that night and he crashed at my house. this was a very big deal for me. it was the first time that i've been in a situation like that without feeling nervous or unsettled. a year ago, if a friend of a friend had called out of the blue with no introduction and wanted to have me act as a hostess, i probably would have made up some excuse so that i wouldn't have to deal with them. i would have been startled and uncomfortable. but when this guy called it felt totally normal and comfortable to make plans, and i wasn't nervous at all. he didn't even have to ask if he could stay with me--i offered first and didn't think it was strange or sketchy to invite him. i want to attribute the change in my behavior to all sorts of things, but i'm not sure i can adequately explain it. i think i'll just say that i feel like i'm part of a different type of community than i used to be, and that this community has some really great standards for being open to and creating new friendships... ...on the other hand, of course, it might just be that i'm lonely and will take companionship when i can get it :P

i have a headache again today.
i don't know why i have today's headache.
most of the time i take the headaches in stride, treating them as necessary, dealing with them as appropriate, modifying my day's plans accordingly.
some days, when i don't know why the headache is here, i get really frustrated.
usually the frustration comes in phases, and for a few weeks i'll be pretty upset about it.
i feel myself sinking into one of those phases.
it's definitely past time for me to start on the doctor circuit again. (maybe if i put that thought in my writings enough times i'll actually act on it.)
but then that can be more upsetting than the headaches alone.
'spinning my wheels' is a most frustratingly accurate image of my work to solve this problem.

sometimes i think about what it would be like in the future if i didn't get headaches every day anymore. it feels a bit unrealistic when i imagine it, but that makes it kind of fun to dwell on, because there *is* a chance that it will happen. lots of women grow out of chronic headaches. or maybe i'll eventually figure out that there's some major imbalance or problem; i'll tweak it correctly; and i'll be normal again. when i think about things i would wish for, though, i don't even allow myself to wish for a whole future without headaches. instead i wish for a year without them. a whole year. how incredible would that be? just a year without daily headaches. not even a year without *any* headaches--i could easily deal with one debilitating headache per month, as long as the daily ones disappeared. if i had a whole year to use as i chose, knowing that i could do whatever i wanted without risking headaches, i would do these things:

-play soccer at least twice a week.
-go hiking or walking EVERY weekend.
-find children to baby-sit.
-do my reading for work outside in the park across the street.
-eat fresh bread and bagels several times a week.
-eat fresh tomatoes every day that they're in season.
-eat whatever i want whenever i want to.
-NEVER wear a hat except to keep my ears warm.
-lock my sunglasses in a secret place where i wouldn't have to see them for 365 days.
-only wear my glasses when i'm driving.
-go running every afternoon between 4 and 6pm.
-only ingest caffeine when i want to stay up late.
-light different types of incense to find ones that i like.
-volunteer to do field work at work.
-go to lots of outdoor concerts and festivals and dance in the SUN.
-nap in the afternoons.
-sleep in once in a while.
-have a beer or a glass of wine whenever i want to.
-try all sorts of mixed drinks.
-work a full 8 hours every day.
-try yoga again.
-learn to do headstands.
-walk through the perfume departments in department stores, breathing deeply.
-watch foreign films much more often.
-go in hot tubs even if they have chemicals in them.
-sunbathe.
-diet by skipping meals once in a while when i'm not that hungry.
-not take any cold medicine or sleeping pills unless i really have a cold or i really can't sleep.


i really enjoyed making that list. i feel a little bit better, even. i hope that if and when i am given the gift of good health again, i remember this list and print it out and make BIG FAT CHECKMARKS next to each item as i accomplish them.

someone posted this article discussing the franchising of burning man and its cult-like characteristics. it is a *great* read and i think that anyone with any sort of opinion on the event should read it. (all of it. it's worth it. really.)

i got all incensed and started writing in the margins and such. there are a few threads on tribe to check out (on burning man, burning woman, sf bay burners...) that have interesting thoughts.

some of his points are well-taken, for suresies. mass-marketing of individuality... *sprrrroing!*

'endotromania: a movement, charismatic in its origins, which at its greatest extent becomes its opposite, ritualized and routine.'

i want to write all sorts of essays in response. in the meantime...

-if burning man *is* a cult, is that bad?
-is it really cookie-cutter to spread a message of creativity and freedom of expression? isn't there a distinction between encouraging individuality and suggesting a *type* of individuality (which is definitely worth recoiling from)?
-de facto, there seems to be a lot of differences between the various bm regional networks. and there's tons of focus on community, little focus on the man.
-regarding the political party issue... seems like this wouldn't be feasible. burners lean left, but in different directions--libertarians vs anarchists vs democrats vs socialists vs greens--and there doesn't seem to be a solid political theory behind bm that folks could get behind, unless it's libertarianism without capitalism, which is a paradox, or anarchy, which probably won't catch on :)
-he's assuming that people who use burning man as part of their spirituality view it as a religion, but that's a silly assumption--one can have spirituality without religion and ritual.
-i totally disagree with his assertions about ritual--i think that given most burners' tendencies, it's amazing how little ritual there actually is.
-do people really focus on larry harvey as a leader???

if this author is right, then i'm *stoked*--he's predicting that the franchising will be highly successful, that we're going to have our own super-popular political party, and that we're going to be more pervasive than islam!!!

CoMMeNt!!!

i was saddened to see this article in ENS (environmental news service) this morning (text below). the chronicles of narnia are sacred to me. (well...as sacred as anything can get in my cynical, anti-spiritualization worldview.) c.s. lewis revealed an incredible and beautiful interpretation of the relationships between god, nature, and religion in this series of books.

it was jarring to read this article, and i'm disgusted that someone who is embarking on a significant and potentially influencial retelling of the story could be so disrespectful of the land he's working with.

Fantasy Film Cuts Real Scars in New Zealand Natural Area
CHRISTCHURCH, New Zealand, November 8, 2004 (ENS) - Film production in New Zealand began in June on "The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe," the C.S. Lewis story, but it is running into an environmental roadblock. The country's largest environmental group is objecting to the wide roads the producers are cutting through the pristine scenic area on the South Island where the film is shooting.

The Royal Forest and Bird Protection Society of New Zealand is concerned that five meter (16 foot) wide new roads with substantial earthworks have been constructed through an outstanding natural landscape in the Southern Alps, on Flock Hill Station adjacent to the scenic Arthurs Pass Highway corridor...

The live action film is being produced by Walden Media and directed by New Zealander Andrew Adamson, who directed the animated films Shrek and Shrek 2. It is scheduled to be released in time for Christmas 2005, by Walt Disney Pictures.

The story of four young people who find their way through an old wardrobe into the world of Narnia has been beloved by children and adults alike for decades. Once in Narnia, they unite with the lion Aslan to fight the White Witch and save Narnia from perpetual darkness.

But Forest and Bird says the production is bringing the darkness of environmental harm with it and will leave a damaged landscape when filming is finished.

Lockwood said it is doubtful whether the new roads were needed at all. A good existing four wheel drive track provided access to the area which, along with helicopters, may have provided adequate access.

“Imagine the damage to many of our most beautiful and iconic landscapes if the producers of “The Lord of the Rings” had been allowed to build new five meter wide roads into each location,” he said.

“Peter Jackson seems to have had a much greater appreciation of the value of our landscapes," he said. "It’s a pity that the Selywn District Council, New Zealand director Andrew Adamson and the Walt Disney Studios and Walden Media don’t appear to share that appreciation.”

phantom of the opera is going to be a movie soon. no big-name stars in the top two roles, but minnie driver's going to have a supporting role.

evita was amazing on film. hope this is just as good.

i want a full version of les mis now, please.

different theme than the map i cited down below...

here's a link to a new map of america.

here is the single f*ing ray of light in the results of yesterday's insane f*ing nonsense voting debacle:

Measure Z -- Oakland Medical Marijuana, Marijuana Law Enforcement
yes: 64.3%
no: 35.7%
About this race: Shall the ordinance requiring the City of Oakland (1) to make law enforcement related to private adult cannabis (marijuana) use, distribution, sale, cultivation and possession, the City's lowest law enforcement priority; (2) to lobby to legalize, tax and regulate cannabis for adult private use, distribution, sale, cultivation and possession; (3) to license, tax and regulate cannabis sales if California law is amended to allow such actions; and (4) to create a committee to oversee the ordinance's implementation, be adopted?

super-cool.

and as usual, my bubble is okay and good--kerry got 74.3% of the vote in alameda county, 83.2% of the vote in san francisco, and 67.3% in sonoma county. can't find the yolo county results. (there's an incredible map on the sac bee website that i can't seem to get a link for... oh, here it is. check it out.)

but prostitution didn't get de-criminalized in berkeley. did you hear about that? would've been interesting.

grump.
grump grump grump.
grump grump grump grump grump.

238 to 188

( i do of course realize that tonight's entries are entirely for my own benefit as i chronicle. but i don't really have any viewers so it doesn't really much matter, does it? :P )

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/3976987.stm
hmph and grump.

196 to 112.
i have to say i was expecting something a bit more soothing by this point in the evening.

from the daily show's election blog:
EXIT POLLS, ROUND 1
Posted 3:46 p.m. ETSo the first round of exit polls are in and they’re favoring John Kerry in the swing states. Of course, these don't take into account early voting, absentee ballots, voting machines that play Space Invaders instead of displaying the ballot and the fact that for some people, it may be Opposite Day. They say we should take these with a grain of salt, but the health-conscious Indecision team prefers a wasabi-ginger dust. What can you say, we're fancy like that!

from the onion:
NADER SUPPORTERS BLAME ELECTORAL DEFEAT ON BUSH, KERRY—Supporters of presidential candidate Ralph Nader blamed his defeat Tuesday on George W. Bush and John Kerry, claiming that the two candidates "ate up" his share of the electoral votes. "This election was stolen out from under Mr. Nader by Bush and Kerry, who diverted his votes to the right and the left," Nader campaign manager Theresa Amato said. "It's an outrage. If Nader were the only candidate, he would be president right now." In his concession speech, Nader characterized Bush and Kerry as spoilers.

(which reminds me--favorite pre-election article was last week's 'Countdown to the Recount 2004'. thinking ahead, the onion is.)

mtv news choose or lose-- resonses from ACTUAL voters (!!):
"This is my first time voting and it was better than what I was thinking, and being my first time, it was cool. After I cast my vote I still didn't get why I never vote. Had I known that it was fast and took no time, I would have been voting before. Get out there and vote and party later. If I can do it, you can too. I used to be the one to say forget voting, well now I am here to say I did it and so can you." Danielle, 26, Los Angeles, CA

5 o'clock. time to take a break from this stupid bridge-widening report, put footloose into the cd drive, and start looking for hopeful signs of dramatic paradigm shifts, revolution in the streets, power to the peaceful, etc.

(all day i have been reminded of the chapter in bridget jones: edge of reason in which she attempts to vote then celebrates the triumph of singleton-compatible politics by getting massively pissed. wish i could leave work tonight in a timeframe that would allow me to do the same.)