Tuesday, November 16, 2004


things to do when i get my life back:

i have a headache again today.
i don't know why i have today's headache.
most of the time i take the headaches in stride, treating them as necessary, dealing with them as appropriate, modifying my day's plans accordingly.
some days, when i don't know why the headache is here, i get really frustrated.
usually the frustration comes in phases, and for a few weeks i'll be pretty upset about it.
i feel myself sinking into one of those phases.
it's definitely past time for me to start on the doctor circuit again. (maybe if i put that thought in my writings enough times i'll actually act on it.)
but then that can be more upsetting than the headaches alone.
'spinning my wheels' is a most frustratingly accurate image of my work to solve this problem.

sometimes i think about what it would be like in the future if i didn't get headaches every day anymore. it feels a bit unrealistic when i imagine it, but that makes it kind of fun to dwell on, because there *is* a chance that it will happen. lots of women grow out of chronic headaches. or maybe i'll eventually figure out that there's some major imbalance or problem; i'll tweak it correctly; and i'll be normal again. when i think about things i would wish for, though, i don't even allow myself to wish for a whole future without headaches. instead i wish for a year without them. a whole year. how incredible would that be? just a year without daily headaches. not even a year without *any* headaches--i could easily deal with one debilitating headache per month, as long as the daily ones disappeared. if i had a whole year to use as i chose, knowing that i could do whatever i wanted without risking headaches, i would do these things:

-play soccer at least twice a week.
-go hiking or walking EVERY weekend.
-find children to baby-sit.
-do my reading for work outside in the park across the street.
-eat fresh bread and bagels several times a week.
-eat fresh tomatoes every day that they're in season.
-eat whatever i want whenever i want to.
-NEVER wear a hat except to keep my ears warm.
-lock my sunglasses in a secret place where i wouldn't have to see them for 365 days.
-only wear my glasses when i'm driving.
-go running every afternoon between 4 and 6pm.
-only ingest caffeine when i want to stay up late.
-light different types of incense to find ones that i like.
-volunteer to do field work at work.
-go to lots of outdoor concerts and festivals and dance in the SUN.
-nap in the afternoons.
-sleep in once in a while.
-have a beer or a glass of wine whenever i want to.
-try all sorts of mixed drinks.
-work a full 8 hours every day.
-try yoga again.
-learn to do headstands.
-walk through the perfume departments in department stores, breathing deeply.
-watch foreign films much more often.
-go in hot tubs even if they have chemicals in them.
-diet by skipping meals once in a while when i'm not that hungry.
-not take any cold medicine or sleeping pills unless i really have a cold or i really can't sleep.
-drive my car in the late afternoon haze.
-exercise in the middle of the day if i feel like it.
-go outside ALL the TIME, whenever anyone suggests it and even when they don't.

i really enjoyed making that list. i feel a little bit better, even. i hope that if and when i am given the gift of good health again, i remember this list and print it out and make BIG FAT CHECKMARKS next to each item as i accomplish them.

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