Friday, May 13, 2005



i am completely miserable at work.

i can't focus at all. i'm totally bored at all time. i have no feeling of accomplishment as i work towards or finish things. i don't care about any of it. i have no connections to my coworkers. half of them are idiotic; half of them i can't understand when they try to explain things to me. i've never been this miserable at a job, and it's making me depressed.

i don't know what to do. no, i don't mean whether i should find something else or not--obviously i should find something else. but the question is WHAT. i've spent a lot of time in the past couple weeks trying to think of what i would like to be doing instead. ooooh, and there are a LOT of things i would *rather* be doing... but one logistical difficulty is that i have this headache problem--some things are automatically disqualified. let's ignore the headache thing for a minute, though, and i'll list things i've thought about:

event planning
library science :)
retail at a book or music store
retail at a clothing store
anything techy
teaching preschool
teaching k-12
research assistant
perfomance (ha!)
administrative assistant (yes, i'm that bored)
government planning jobs
other private sector planning jobs

are there other possibilities i'm inclined towards or trained for that i'm not thinking of? suggestions more than welcome.

so i can give a bunch of reasons for not doing most of those jobs (not enough future in it, i don't have enough training, it'd give me headaches, it wouldn't be much better...), but that doesn't mean that any of them are really out of the question.

my main quandry right now is whether i want to stay in this field. i am having an impossible time discerning whether i am bored with my job or bored with my field. ok, my job is VERY boring, but i don't know that i would be much happier at a larger firm with more workload. though... maybe. when i was at jones&stokes in sacramento, i did not *once* in 18 months, wake up and not want to go to work. i stayed focused and enjoyed myself and had fun at work. and it was essentially the same type of tasks. would things be different now if i went back? would i be tired of doing the same type of documents? would tribe make a difference in my attention span? well, i am tired of doing the same thing all the time, but in a larger firm i'd have more diversity. and when i'm busy i don't care about tribe or email--when i'd go work out of sacto and have busy days, even after i got so online-oriented, i didn't check tribe more than once or twice a day.

is it just that i need a larger office with more social outlets? maybe. is that worth quitting over? i don't knooooooow...

ARGH. what am i supposed to do?

Most enlightened minds have a bit of a "dual-existence-anxiety." One part of you is trying to play the game just to make ends meet while the other part of you realizes that you're directly creating your reality and yearns to do something more meaningful with your time...

Maybe your job in sacramento gave you more of a feeling of accomplishment than the new job. Be sure to seek work that aligns with your heart and who you are. Never assume that you can just "do the job" and then be yourself after hours... that might work for the majority of sheep, but once you've taken the reigns of your own life, you will grow listless for not following your path... (in your list of possibilities, "Performer" actually sounds like the best option. You're definately talented enough!

sorry... my 2cents. =) nice blog, btw. You're a very good writer.
I can totally understand...

Its 4 am on the east coast here and I can't sleep, so let me try to gather my thoughts here........

I don't think its a question of "what should I do?", its more like, orange, WHAT DO YOU WANT? What could you do that would make the greatest impact on the world around you? WHAT IS YOUR PASSION?

I believe that you should never have a career or a life that you dread. life isn't suppossed to be like that----

I think the reason why you are getting a headache from all of this is because you are thinking too much about this-What do you FEEL? What do your instincts tell you? What is your passion? what can you dedicate yourself to that will provide abundance for you as well as the rest of the world?

You are wasting your talent and your passion and your fire on being miserable. You should be happy, no doubt about it. But you are the only person who can make that happen, but you have to decide what you REALLY WANT TO DO............deep inside, I think you have the answer.

Take a chance, what do you have to lose?
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