Tuesday, January 04, 2005


standing outside a broken car with a map and the keys in my hand

so first let me be clear: i don't want to complain. and by that i mean that this is not complaining; it is just a story. indeed, i would say that there are probably only one or two things that i would actually change about my weekend if i were allowed to play god about it all, because it was a good life lesson and i got a lot out of it. it sucked, sure. but i asked for an adventure, and i got one. and i learned quite a bit about myself and others in the bargain.

also, i'm a bit nervous that i may not have acted completely responsibly at all points during this story, so i'm sure that my telling will be slightly biased, but i'll try to be honest. ...and rather than lie about events i will just rationalize my poor decisions ;)

and finally, i'm going to be lengthy, but this narrative is intended to be presented in lieu of any actual conversations detailing the weekend. the deal, therefore, is that you don't have to actually listen to me talk about it (unless you bring it up--i won't take responsibility for *that*).

p.s. if you get bored with the narrative, there's a paragraph of conclusory remarks at the bottom that contains the point of the story.

so i planned this trip for new year's. i decided i wanted to go down to la for the anon salon party. 'why', you ask, 'would you do such a thing when you are living directly adjacent to one of the country's largest nye party cities??? and a city that you have repeatedly professed to being in love with, at that?' 'because', i reply, 'i have it in my head that nye requires an *adventure*, and also that it requires travelling to a new location each year. i was in sf last year for nye, so this year i must do something new. but i loved my nye last year, so really i'll just plan to do the exact same thing...in a different city.' (also, lorin and ooah were on the la lineup. mmmmm.)

so anyways, i made plans to caravan down to la with a recently-acquired friend and his crew, to stay in a hotel with them, to go to the anon salon party, and then to just generally hang out in la partying and shopping and getting to know the area a bit. (i haven't been to la since i was a child, btw, so this all seemed very new and exciting to me.)

i got down there ok. i had a positively lukewarm thursday night, but i told myself that that the next night would be great so it didn't matter. i did nooooothing on friday during the day and felt like an antsy slug, but i told myself that i'd have time on sunday and monday to explore so it didn't matter. relations with the 'friend' i'd come down with were deteriorating, but i told myself that i would know other people at the party that night and that i wouldn't need to rely on the people i'd come with at all after i got to the party, so it didn't matter. (all in all a very good and carefree and un-stressed attitude, yes. good job me. way to brush off the things that aren't important and focus on the positive.)

friday at dusk my car started smelling of antifreeze and emitting tendrils of smoke. there was nothing i could do about it at 5:30pm on nye, so i parked it in a garage. i definitely felt a little nervous because i have become so used to having my car around as a security blanket, but i told myself that i could totally find rides with nice people if i ended up in need, and then of course the party spot wasn't far from our hotel so i could always cab it back over...so it didn't matter.

we started getting ready for the party, with the goal to get to the party by 10pm. during party preparations i continued to contend with deteriorating relations with my friend, and ended up with no time to do my makeup or finish my hair before joining my stressed-out crew racing to get to the party by 11:15 to make their stage time. oh well; i told myself that my appearence is not important--the important thing is music and dancing and good people to smile with.

i got to the party ready to watch my friend's band and then start dancing. my friend's band ended up not playing due to technical difficulties. this resulted in the final finishing touches on the complete shattering of our aforementioned deteriorating relations (due to the fact that he freaked out about the technical difficulties and then wouldn't talk to me). i was rather upset to start my night by losing a friend, but i told myself that there were plenty of other folks to play with and anyways i could handle things myself and so it didn't matter.

i found out i'd missed ooah's set. i was sorely disappointed, but i told myself it didn't matter because he was supposed to play the after-party.

i started more actively looking around for familiar faces. i saw a boy who i've hung out with several times in the past few months and who i have been seriously crushing on...and then immediately also saw that he was with a girl. ok, so i was starting to run out of positive thoughts, and being disappointed with regard to two boys in one night is a bit trying, but i gamely told myself that i was going to dance and meet new people and so it DIDN'T MATTER.

by this time it was almost 3am. time for lorin. good set, lorin. highlight of the evening. bounced to wonderful beats, met lots of nice people, flirted and danced and talked and danced, had a few moments of euphoria.

i found 5 or 6 people from sf and felt reassured that i could get through the weekend without the group i'd originally came down with if it turned out i needed to. i met a nice boy who was very friendly. i found a girl i'd hoped to meet up with, and she offered me a ride to the after-party.

anon salon ended. i didn't know where anyone from my original group was, and my now EX-friend wasn't returning my messages, but i told myself it didn't matter and i would be fine because i knew all these other people. i went to the after-party.

the after-party had good breaks (though ooah never played), and it had good people. i still knew 4 or 5 people there from sf. the crushed-on boy was there with his girl, which was still bothering me, but then so was the nice friendly boy who i'd just met, so things were looking good.

night started to turn to morning...time to make sure i have a plan to get to a bed. two sets of sf friends asked if i needed a place to stay, in light of my abandonment by my crazy ex-friend. but the nice new boy told me that i could crash at his hotel, for sure, so i told my sf friends i was oooookay.

the various sf friends all left. the nice new boy and i decided to leave, and we called a cab. the nice new boy's friend pulled him into the cab, blocked me from getting in, told me i wasn't allowed to come with them, closed the door, and had the cab drive off.

10am. no car. no friends. dazed and descending from a bit of a trip, with the last rockstar i drank slowly fading out of my bloodstream. no idea where i am in relation to the rest of the local geography.

i went back to the party to see if i had any other resources, or any people to ask for help. it didn't work out. i was more than a little disappointed that no one realized the extent of my distress and offered to help me, but really i was just wandering aimlessly through a bunch of totally cracked-out kids who hadn't slept and weren't about to problem-solve for some girl they didn't know, so i suppose i shouldn't have been too surprised or disappointed.

i took a $30 cab ride to hollywood to get to my car. i got my car to a mechanic, and found out it had to be taken to the closest dealership, which wasn't open until monday. i went back to the hotel room i'd been staying in, ready to swallow my pride and deal with my stupid ex-friend, but he came to the door in a very strange state of consciousness and didn't want to let me into the room. i had a 15-minute non-conversation with him, totally bewildered and confused and hurt and angry that he was doing what he was doing, before i left the hotel.

exhausted, drained, upset, depressed, hurt, confused, lost, defeated. i called an old friend who lives an hour away in santa clarita and asked her how long it would take for me to take transit to her house. she asked me if i was ok, i paused, then cracked my voice on the word NO, and she immediately got in her car and drove down to rescue me.

the rest of the weekend was spent at my old friend's house in the hills outside of santa clarita. no exploring la. no parties. no grand adventures. no cell phone reception. no car. i felt like i was an invalid patient recovering from a nervous breakdown.

i spent monday in glendale waiting for my car to be fixed, then drove home that night.

aside from the obvious sad feelings that result from being abandoned a few times, having multiple romantic situations go awry, and totally failing to actualize my grand master plans, i am most upset that i wasn't able to ride the situations out and take care of myself without asking for help. in retrospect, i am very angry at myself for not getting my own hotel room and dealing with everything from there. it would have been more expensive, but i would have had control of my life and would have had the satisfaction of getting through one of those pickles that my parents have been warning me about every since i was old enough to leave the house on my own. i feel like i was given a test, and that it was an opportunity to feel really good about myself, but i fukked up and fudged my way through and missed a great chance to prove that i can have grand adventures and land on my feet without having to ask for help.

well...better luck next time.
i'm glad i went, and i'm determined to try again soon.

(reminder: expectations suck ass, as always. avoid them at all costs.)

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