Wednesday, January 26, 2005



i thought about something last night that i hadn't *really* thought about in quite a long time. i made myself focus on it for a few minutes and got myself good and properly freaked out.

february of my freshman year of college, one of my two brand-new best friends was killed in a car accident. it was my first experience with totally unforeseen and unwarranted death. the event shook me as hard as you would expect, and i took away the typical various lessons on the importance of love, communication, appreciation of life, et al. i also took away, as you again might expect, a serious fear of death. this fear was *strong* for a couple years. i didn't realize until last night that it had sunken into the back of my mind...but now it's right up in front again.

i hate death. i really hate it. and by hate, i mean that i resent and despise and abhor it. i hate any action that divides a willingly living person from being conscious in this reality. (i even hate death if the person didn't really want to be alive anymore, but i acknowledge that that's my problem.) i myself want to live to the age of 110, at a minimum. i feel *very* strongly about this.

so i have an extreme fear of death. i'm afraid of my own death, and i'm also afraid that people i care about are going to die. this is normal, right? right. not healthy, i'm sure, but reasonably normal. so it's amazing to me how everyone can be so happy all the time with this kind of an unstoppable awful thing hanging over everyone's heads all the time. how the fukk we all manage to ignore it as much as we do???

anyways, i spent some time thinking about death last night, and i got really upset. the gist of it is that jeeeezus, my friend's been gone for a long time, and it's only been 7 years (almost to the day); she's going to be gone forever.

so la la la and cheezy thoughts--i suppose that's what all this depressing angry verbiage should lead to--

appreciate life, and please try to stay away from life-threatening situations :)

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